


There's Something Nasty in the Woodshed

by Annariel



Series: Felix, the Tentacle Monster [2]
Category: Primeval
Genre: Crack, Lovecraftian, M/M, Other, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-09
Updated: 2011-07-09
Packaged: 2017-10-21 04:45:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/221062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annariel/pseuds/Annariel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felix, the Tentacle Monster is needed in Sanctuary (the primeval_denial crack universe where characters are sent when they die in the show).</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's Something Nasty in the Woodshed

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to fredbassett for beta-reading.

_There are some corners of the universe which have bred the most terrible things. Things that act against everything we believe in. They must be fought! - The Doctor_

The woodshed had sat, alone and unregarded, in the garden for a long time. Captain Thomas Ryan had once ventured temptingly close. His hand had rested on the dusty latch and he'd peered through the dirty glass of the window. Then his face had paled and he'd retreated. Still the woodshed waited, incongruous, endlessly patient, degenerate and mouldering. One day, its time would come.

* * *

"The Duty Manager whimpered!" said Stephen triumphantly. He rolled his shoulders as he wandered into the kitchen and headed towards the fridge, and beer.

"She whimpered because I was fucking your arse and wanking you off at one and the same time. All you did was lean on the chest of drawers and waggle your bum at me."

Stephen lowered his eyelashes and gazed at Ryan from his position by the fridge. Slowly, he licked his lips.

The sound of a sigh echoed around the kitchen.

Stephen licked a finger and ostentatiously gave himself a point. "Honey, I don't even have to waggle my bum to win this game."

Ryan grunted. "Throw me a beer before I toss you over my shoulder and carry you upstairs for a spanking."

 _"Please!"_

"One for me, I think!" said Ryan. "What do you think, Sarah? Sarah?"

Sarah was perched on the kitchen table, next to a pile of dishes half put away in the cupboards. She was staring in speechless horror out of the window into the back garden. The dark and ominous form of the woodshed stood like an ugly blot on the landscape.

Ryan blanched.

"Not... the woodshed," he said.

The sense of evil that emanated from the structure's loathsome shape, the scent of fetid decay that surrounded it and the faintly non-euclidean geometry of the walls had prevented the residents of Sanctuary from broaching its eldritch interior. Only Ryan had ever peered through its baleful windows and he would never speak of what he had seen.

"There's something nasty in that woodshed," Stephen said quietly.

Sarah nodded and her dry lips parted, her words coming out as the barest whisper. "Het."

"What?"

"Het." A beer bottle was clutched so tightly in her hands that her knuckles were white. She waved it in the direction of the squat and repellent form. "There's het."

"You mean there's _het_ , in the _woodshed_?" Ryan spluttered over his beer.

"Nick and Claudia."

"How the fuck did that happen?"

"Some of those sex pollen plants have self-seeded again. Nick caught a whiff. You two were indisposed. Management was distracted. Claudia went out to rescue him or, more accurately, Dave."

"What?"

"Nick was chasing Dave round the garden shouting `Come back here and show me your banana, you sassenach excuse for a super-predator'. Claudia thought Dave looked traumatised."

"He'll definitely be traumatised now."

"Why the woodshed?" interrupted Stephen.

"It seemed to have a strange allure. They couldn't resist. They were drawn inexorably towards its detestable silhouette. They fucked against the hellish door and I could see the mystic energy of their union feeding it. Then the door opened and they fell into the screaming void."

"Well, at least we don't have to watch," opined Ryan.

Stephen stared out of the window. The woodshed stared back. "Someone's going to have to rescue them."

"And clear out that sex pollen plant. Those things spread like weeds if you're not careful."

 _"Keep calm. The situation is under control."_ The duty manager didn't sound very calm.

"Can you get the woodshed to release them?" demanded Ryan.

 _"We're working on it."_

" _Working_ on it."

 _"It's complicated. It's important not to break the genre conventions. We need something gibbering or possibly... blubbery."_

"It's a woodshed. Not a bloody haunted castle."

 _"You go rescue them then."_ Management sounded a little smug.

"As long as there are no vampires I can cope. In fact I can probably cope as long as they don't sparkle too much. All I need is a big gun and a low tolerance of teenage angst."

 _"Don't worry the cavalry is on its way."_

"What kind of cavalry?" asked Ryan suspiciously.

The sound of an engine somewhere up above them drowned out his words. They all glanced at the ceiling.

"That's a chopper!" Ryan mouthed.

Something landed on the roof and the noise began to diminish.

"How the fuck did a chopper manage to land on the roof?" asked Ryan.

"Management installed a helipad," said a cheerful cockney voice.

"Danny! What are you doing here?" Sarah asked.

Danny Quinn appeared in the doorway, a wearing large grin and a baggy, tattered and grubby lumberjack shirt. His face and body were grimy and his hair tangled. The lumberjack shirt was, perhaps, not quite as long as modesty would demand. A strange green ball of tentacles nestled at his feet.

"It was an emergency, wasn't it? There I was in Sanctuary:Cretaceous, minding my own business and suddenly a chopper appears."

"Wait! Wait! Back up! Santuary:Cretaceous?" queried Stephen.

"Yeah! It's kind of like this place only with less hygiene and a higher probability of incest."

Ryan held up his hand. "OK, stop right there. I don't want to know the details of Sanctuary:Cretaceous." He glared at the ceiling in the rough direction of Management.

"Management says there's a chance I'm not quite dead, as well. Though, they're a bit vague on that subject. Hence the Cretaceous. I can always pop back through an anomaly."

"OK, so you were larking around the Cretaceous in no underwear and a chopper appears."

"Well, I had underwear on at the time, but broadly speaking, yes. Management said there was an emergency in Norfolk."

Stephen glanced out the window and failed to suppress a shudder. "Not in... the woodshed?"

Danny followed his gaze and sucked in his breath. "Ooh! Nasty! Possibly glutinous. I'm getting to the woodshed. It started with Lyle and Felix in Norfolk."

"A woodshed can-not be glutinous. Don't get carried away. Who's Felix and why was he in Norfolk with Lyle?" demanded Ryan.

"This is Felix." Danny gestured at the tentacled blob which rolled across the floor to the inhabitants of the kitchen. "He was waiting for me at the rendezvous."

Felix waved several tentacles in a friendly fashion.

"He's not quite got the hang of lumbering and profane yet, but he's working on it. Good Felix, show us a quaver!"

Felix waved his tentacles around obligingly. He definitely quavered, there was even a vague slither and some writhing.

"Felix?" Ryan frowned at Danny.

"That's what it said on the label." Danny handed over a scrap of paper.

"Please look after this genetically-modified sex toy from the future," read Ryan.

He looked at Danny inquiringly. "OK, it's a genetically-modified sex toy from the future. There are stranger things around here. But Felix?"

"It's a debased tentacular sacrilegious genetically-modified sex toy from the future. Read the other side."

Ryan flipped over the paper.

`His name is Felix, regrettable but true,' it said. Underneath someone had scrawled, `It's not our fault. She writes het.'

Ryan looked down at the green mass of tentacles, now crouched below Sarah's feet as they dangled off the table. "Hello, Felix."

Sarah squeaked.

"What?" asked Stephen.

"He's not got a good sense of personal space. Just tell him firmly to stop," said Danny.

Sarah blushed bright red and Ryan noticed that a tentacle had curled up her leg and disappeared under her skirt.

They all watched and the silence drew itself out. Sarah's lips parted and she began to pant slightly.

"Are you going to tell him to stop?" asked Ryan.

"Nick had Claudia pressed up against the side of the woodshed. I could see he had one hand under her skirt, gripping her buttocks, and the other pushed up under her blouse. I could see his hips pounding."

Stephen pinched the bridge of his nose. "We don't want to know."

"I'm a little horny, OK," snapped Sarah and then groaned.

"This is like watching `When Harry met Sally' but without the fake bit. Someone pass me a beer," said Danny cheerfully, marching into the kitchen.

Stephen shook his head but opened the fridge and tossed Danny a can.

"You don't have to watch, you know," said Sarah. Her arms were now braced on the table top and her knees were spread as far apart as her skirt would allow.

"You're in the kitchen. We need beer," said Ryan. "We _badly_ need beer. You don't want to be watched? Go somewhere private."

"Management's always watching anyway," said Stephen.

"I can't see Management watching. Just turn around or something."

Ryan, Stephen and Danny exchanged glances, then Ryan shrugged and turned his back. Stephen sighed and did so as well. Danny made a vague tutting sound, but complied. They stared out of the window at the soundless and repellent woodshed. Sarah began to gasp in a rapid rhythm.

Ryan coughed. "So Danny, you were saying Felix and Lyle were in Norfolk."

"Yeah, apparently Lyle thought it would be funny if Felix hid in a ditch and then leaped out at any passers-by while Lyle shouted `boo'."

"He'll get himself banned," said Ryan gloomily.

"Already has. Turns out Felix has relatives in the area, but they're more into yammering and oozing than group sex and practical jokes. There were misunderstandings."

Several tentacles suddenly appeared in front of the three men, and did a gesture reminiscent of nothing so much as an apologetic shrug that said `Relatives! What can you do?'

"Anyway, last I saw, Lyle was heading for the Suffolk border with a troop of racoons in pursuit waving pitchforks and pom-poms."

Stephen shook his head. "They can inflict nasty injuries with pom-poms, racoons can."

"Oh God! Faster!" gasped Sarah suddenly.

"Felix, put a tentacle in her mouth, there's a good fellow," said Danny.

"Wait just a moment. Aargh, nnngggh!" Something began thumping.

The three men exchanged sideways glances.

Stephen rather uncomfortably adjusted his trousers.

"Can't beat going commando," said Danny, his hand had drifted downwards.

"No wanking! This situation is serious!" said Ryan firmly.

"Too serious to wank? Must be bad."

"How did you lose your trousers and underwear?" asked Stephen, hurriedly.

"I was teaching Felix how to fly the helicopter. Turns out he's a fast learner," Danny leered.

"Oh God! Oh God! That was incredible."

"You done?" asked Ryan.

"For the time being."

They turned around. Sarah was lying flat on her back on the table, knees upraised. Felix nestled across her hips. One of her hands caressed him gently while her eyelids fluttered opened and closed.

"Something's different," commented Stephen.

"He put away the rest of the dishes," murmured Sarah. "I think I'm in love."

"He's a bit OCD about cleanliness and tidiness. He'd have had me in the shower if there had been one on the helicopter," said Danny.

"You're making that up," said Stephen.

"I speak tentacle monster. I did a special course on it during police training."

"None of this solves the problem of the woodshed!" interrupted Ryan.

Silence fell and they all returned their attention to the malignant rectangular shack in the garden. Nameless dread seized their minds.

"Easy, send Felix out there. He's in the right paradigm, especially if he maximizes on the protuberances and maybe slobbers a bit. He can extract and separate Nick and Claudia. He'll probably weed out the sex pollen at the same time," said Danny.

"Then what? Are tentacle monsters affected by sex pollen? What do we do with a bloody tentacle monster in fuck-or-die mode?" asked Ryan.

Danny grinned and stroked his erection slowly. "Since you've forbidden wanking in a crisis and Felix has promised to have me in the shower..."

"Sounds like an excellent plan," said Sarah dreamily.

"I imagine he'll have the rest of you wherever you choose. I notice the washing up needs doing as well."

Something issued forth from the house, an amorphous shape that ambulated sluggishly between the verdant shrubberies. It yammered and gibbered and its appendages described terrifying and unknowable sigils in the air. Every so often it paused to dead-head a flower before continuing on its remorseless journey towards the woodshed. The terrifying form engulfed the stark rectangular shack in an undulating, flowing mass. The watchers within the house were forced to turn away, their eyes glazed with panic, their hands scrabbling fruitlessly at their ears to shut out the shrieking and wailing sounds. Not a one could force their head to turn and gaze upon the events past the twisted and moss-covered limbs of the ancient oak, beyond the festering compost heap, down by the igneous, tuffaceous rockery. They clung together in the darkness; fear beating at the walls of their sanity; aware that their souls would forever be tainted by the hideous sight.

 

Eventually darkness fell. The helicopter left the roof and Danny returned to Sanctuary:Cretaceous.

The woodshed remained, an abominable blot, a darker than dark shape crouching sightlessly among the weeds. It had been thwarted for now but it was still in the garden and it was endlessly patient.


End file.
